He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
