you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
