My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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