oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
