Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
