i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
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