I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
