just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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