I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
