i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize