if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
