The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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