I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
