i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Randomize
