dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
