She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize