and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
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