As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
