he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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