Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
it's like heaven, but drunker
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
