i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
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She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
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Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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