im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!