The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
