I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
