I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Randomize
