What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You have to summon your inner elephant
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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