Just fell off a train. Bad.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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