Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
