"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize