conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
