i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
