Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I am available for nakedness
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
