I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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