i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
