My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
