I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Panties = found
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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