I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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