Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
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I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
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I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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