There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
