My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
