I just threw up on my dentist
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I need to calm my uterus...
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
