Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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