Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
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He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
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We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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