I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
