You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Sext me about skeletons
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize