Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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