I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
try to milk me bitch
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