My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
