the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
