just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
