Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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