So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
