when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Acid is not a monday night drug
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
