i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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