I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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