Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
My liver just had a heart attack.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
