Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
